Reaching 55 has led to an array of interesting offers and invitations: from hearing aid tests to pension drawdowns (Mr Osborne’s special gift to the middle-aged); not to mention Michael Parkinson and his free pen and ‘no questions’ life insurance policy. But of far more pressing need today is the invitation to attend my local NHS hospital for bowel scope screening.

Now, don’t get me wrong, colo-rectal cancer is a serious disease that affects a higher proportion of those 55 and older, but one particular aspect of it, as announced in the invitation, caused me to have a brief smile at a long-ago Viz cartoon strip.

The invitation, loving crafted on a standard NHS letterheading, came with a leaflet that explained the procedure before going on to tell me that I could watch the procedure on a monitor, if I so desired. And this is where Roger Mellie raised his head. In the late 80s cartoon, he was pitching an idea for a new TV programme – one that now seems oddly prescient. It was called <i>Up the Celebrity Arsehole</i>. Although he’s since reprised the concept for the X-Factor judges, in the original, Mellie’s idea is at first rejected as his producer tells him no celebrity would agree to be placed behind a curtain and given a stage-based colonoscopy that members of the public are then shown with the winner being first to guess the celeb’s identity. Mellie persists, however, and the final frame shows a man crouched on a table while Mellie urges ‘Mr Slattery’ to bend over further so they can get the camera in (reference to the ubiquitous TV personality Tony Slattery, although now TOWIE would probably provide a whole host of far keener ‘celebs’ willing to bend and pose.

So, this afternoon, I’m going to struggle to keep a straight face when asked if I want to see my ‘performance’ on screen: the revolution might not be televised, but the endoscopy very well might be – over to you Roger.


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